UNDER THE MICROSCOPE: With the recent reports of 95-years young Queen Elizabeth II (the “Queen”) being infected with COVID, Life Detective thought that, while we are praying for the Queen’s speedy recovery, we might also catch up on essential facts and myths about the British Royal family for novice stalkers . . . like me.

In February 2022, Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has the full attention of the news media – you can read about that everywhere. The only other story that seemed to have the ability to interrupt news coverage of the pending war was the Queen’s COVID infection. My first thought was: that is terrible for the Queen – I’m rooting for her to hold on until she is 100 and can celebrate her 75th Jubilee. Then I wondered what the next tabloid story would be: someone infected her intentionally to end her reign? Perhaps they intentionally infected her beloved Corgi doggie companions and she caught COVID cuddling with them? Remembering the strange myths about “blood thirsty” Royals, my mind moved on to the next even less serious, sarcastic thought: shouldn’t she be drinking some baby blood or get a transfusion to restore her health? Coming back to reality, I wondered: where did this blood thirst thing come from anyway? For a moment, let’s forget the Ukraine and Vlad the Invader (a.k.a., Vladimir Putin), instead let’s study Vlad the Impaler of Dracula fame and his possible Royal connection!

Tabloid Journalism as Essential Reading

While the Lead Investigator for the Life Detective is a student of modern society, I am not one to intensely follow the gossip of the rich and famous, from Hollywood to the British Royal Family (i.e., the “Royals”). Nevertheless, unless you go all Ted Kaczynski and live off the grid, stories about the Royals are seemingly unavoidable. Going back to at least the 1981 wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana, Royals tabloid stories have long been required learning to be an active participant in social interaction. Even us Americans could not resist the Royal obsession despite being outside the Commonwealth (see below) and having fought a war to rid ourselves of Royals 200 years earlier. The Charles-Diana wedding overshadowed other American social events of the 1980’s such as the nuptials of Luke and Laura from General Hospital or the hype around “Who shot J.R.?”

Facts: What do the Royals actually do? 

  • Official role: according to the Royal family website, “Members of the Royal Family support The Queen in her many State and national duties, as well as carrying out important work in the areas of public and charitable service, and helping to strengthen national unity and stability.” I take this to mean they show up at a bunch of things.
  • Commonwealth role: “The Commonwealth is an association of sovereign nations which support each other and work together towards international goals.” There are 53 member nations, many of which were former colonies of the United Kingdom, including Canada, Australia and India. 15 of these countries consider the Queen their Monarch, more or less a ceremonial representative though she may be referred to as “head of state”.
  • Payments: The Queen “surrenders” all revenue from The Crown Estate (properties, etc. owned in a commercial enterprise) and is returned 25% of those revenues for her to carry out her role as Head of State (properties, staff, events, etc.) Last year, the 25% amounted  to £86.3 million (British pounds), or approximately $115 million. Prince Charles, as next in line to the throne, receives income from other holdings which netted £20.4 million or $27.2 million last year.
  • Who qualifies as a Royal? One must be in the direct bloodline to be considered eligible to ascend to “the Monarch” as ruling King or Queen. However, one can marry into the Royal Family and qualify for a Royal title.

Lizard people to alien shape shifter to vampires, oh my!

Enough with the boring factual details. The Royals are basically rich and mostly have mere ceremonial roles and duties. More interesting are the unproven tales and myths about the Royals, and here is just a sampling:

The entire blood drinking/vampire story is where I started this article, so I’ll follow up a bit on that. “Vlad the Impaler”, also known as Vlad Dracula, a vicious 15th century Romanian warlord who impaled many victims in his quest for power.  Some tales say he even had eaten bread dipped in the blood of his victims. The fictional Dracula character created by Bram Stoker in his 1897 novel was based on Vlad the Impaler. A few years ago, Prince Charles indicated that he is a descendant of Vlad the Impaler. Perhaps coincidentally, Prince Charles also owns property in Transylvania, Romania.

Augmenting the theory of Royals’ “thirst” for human blood is the fact that hemophilia, the blood clotting disease (sometimes referred to as “the royal disease”) used to run in the Royal Family beginning with Queen Victoria in the 1800’s. Hemophiliacs often need blood transfusions to deal with blood loss, so if one has such a thirst for blood you might just travel with a supply of your own blood like the Queen and Prince Charles.  Does this mean there is any credibility to the theory of Royals having a literal thirst for blood? Nope. More likely, it is just fun to joke about it, or perhaps a way to express disbelief that in a 21st Century democracy there are those who retain noble status and live quite well off the “public teat” based solely on bloodlines.

British Class versus American Trailer Nobility

While we Americans are quite happy to “like” and “follow” the British Royals, we have no true equivalent in our country.  Perhaps the closest we can come is something I’ll call “trailer nobility” – an undeserving group of wealthy persons whose lives are the stuff of constant social chatter. Our queens and kings of tabloid gossip are not chosen by bloodline, but instead elevated by public interest in the absurd. Instead of making weird shit up about the rich and famous, American tabloid heroes actually do weird shit . . . and then we make them rich and famous.

Examples abound on American television: consider winners of Survivor or the stars of shows like Honey BooBoo. Perhaps the true queens of American tabloids are the clan from Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  Forget travelling with your own blood supply, American tabloid heroes seem to travel with 5 lb. containers of silicone and botox. Blood transfusions, no. Plastic surgery, yes!

The leading stories of the rich and famous from a British perspective may come from a longstanding tradition in a class system of nobility while a leading family of American tabloid material like the Kardashians is an apparent group of upstarts. However, the Kardashians may be more old money and traditional than one might think.  After all, they grew up in Beverly Hills and, consistent with old-school, male-dominated traditions of royal families, even had a man assume a role as one of their leading ladies. Who’s queen of the tabloids now?